Are we going to have sex yet or…

Are we going to have sex yet or…

[AKA The Mystery of the Clucking Chick]

Introduction

Thrust power and adjusted angle of attack (AOA) and AOA protection. It is about loss of lift more than fuel shift or seized engines. Sounds like sex advice, and maybe it is. It does happen to also be aerodynamics. But that is the easy part.

In truth, there has been a consuming urge to understand the female biological clock and the male sex drive of late. Is there more to a clucking chick than I have allowed myself to believe? Like all good science, this paper was inspired by a dream I had last night. This piece will explore clucky boys; social phenomenon; the biology of baby fever; fear of death (or loss of child opportunity) and finally how to get more sex.

The conclusion will be that there is no conclusion as yet: but sex [sic] is definitely the way to go; focus on this moment, increased hedonic tone and stay the hell away from chicks with baby fever (and keep your chick away from positive baby cues if you don’t want babies: it is not an old wives tale, they will catch baby fever). A comparison between people who want to have babies and the venereal disease ‘syphilis’ will also be discussed.

1.0 Case Studies and Anecdotes

There was a time where I would see it in older work colleagues; these women go seemingly overnight from “I don’t need a child” or “I would love a baby but it is criminal to bring a child into this world without a stable, time tested relationship where you are both ready” or even “”I am NEVER having kids” to; “GIMMME GIMME GIMME! Who are you, the janitor? Well I love you, I think I always have Carlos…what? Craig, whatever, GET A BABY UP ME. W..w.what? Do I f*cking stutter?”.

It was a curiosity, just one of the many things I saw people doing to fit in, cure loneliness and/or counter rejection. It maybe wasn’t on the shallow end on consequences: but arguably still in the shallow end of ‘poor decisions’ I’d seen people make to fit a mold. Especially one that they have be told for their entire lives, both overtly and covertly, was what they were suppose to do. Until it started to happen to people I know. People I trust.

People who I use to be able to say  “Get this: Bessy has had a one night stand with someone they know only through the fiction of constructed text, and now, after a VACATION in the unreality of the holiday environment are calling it “love” and talking about babies” and they would reply “Pffft, good luck to her. Bessy deserves all she gets”. To now suddenly being Bessy and closing all lines of discussion on the matter

Men’s health message boards are full of men saying “We both agreed no kids when we got married; now not a day goes by she doesn’t bring it up and yesterday she said she’s leaving me if I don’t comply and is going to have one with whoever happens to be walking by; she just doesn’t care!”.

I have had conversations with these women who, while crying, blurt “I don’t even know what the hell is the matter with me…I mean I love him but…”. But… but the janitor will do ’cause he gets off a 4 and I’ll be dammed if I’m waiting till 5pm for my  husband because there is something wrong with my brain.

Ok, she doesn’t say that last bit, but it is kind of a scary thing to watch. Because the silence and the face can say a lot. And its the “I love him, the janitor has swept me off my feet” rationalizations that really disgust me, because they [conjecture warning] obviously aren’t any kind of honest to self truth. But that is for another piece. I’ve written on what Hollywood has done to the popular concept of what will pass for love. But another case in point of baby madness comes from my own mother.

My mother, one of the most reasonable when at her best, describes a similar occurrence that lead to me. At a time she was enjoying life, and working 3 jobs, she certainly had no time for kids; and then apparently overnight she did. She went from “this is impractical, imprisonment and ultimately undesirable to anyone with forethought” to contracted weekly sex and crying uncontrollably every ‘women’s period’ over another ‘lost egg’!

What is possibly going on here? As a man; organic psychopathology was the first idea to occur to me that could adequately explain the situation.

2.0 Literature

A syphilitic style cognitive brain disease seemed the most likely culprit.

Any one who has known a woman in severe period pain or experienced the reality of hormonal PMT probably doesn’t find this idea much of a stretch. The literature on this matter was, however, far harder to sort through than I had anticipated.

3.0 Men

Men do have a better deal, as usual. The biological clock of men is just slower, says Berkley lab (Eskenazi, Hu.Reprod., 2008). Pity we all still die sooner (ABS). Ah, the brightest stars always burn out the quickest. *single tear*.

It is about 5 times more difficult for a man to duff up a shelia (stop me if I get to sciency) at age 45 (Pasqualotto, SP Med. J, 2008).

I have found one reference to “baby fever” in men. Psychologist Dr G. Brase, A/Prof and specialist on the human desire to have babies, commented that “we [have] noticed it in men too” (J. of Emotion, 2012). After 10 years Dr Brase is of the opinion that not time, gender roles, nor the desire to nurture drives the ‘flipping of the baby switch’; that this was a tabloid only phenomenon.

However, the old wives tales such as holding a baby, smelling a baby (I’d love to be a fly on the wall when that lab idea got put to the ethics committee), or hearing a baby did ring true as ‘flip switches’ [poetic license]. Yes, the same stuff we focus on with addiction psychology in forensics.  Keep the cues away or reap unwanted bio-psychological side effects of craving. Dorsal anterior cingulate can only do so much before fatigue.

Dr Brase also commented on the more modern normative shift, which is evidenced by nearly all reports, of taking into account things like career, finances and suitable partner availability. Unfortunately, the high caliber journal “Australian Women’s health” doesn’t supply much in the way of methods to review and does not appear to be studying the same phenomenon. Regarding men, however; this style of argument would seem to fit quite comfortably with the conception held by most members of the public.

An unsigned article in “the Mail” commented on men “typically around 30 [reacting] from a mix of social, psychological and biological factors”, but the mail is bad enough when the journalist is actually willing to sign their name.

Besides, I have seen “clucky” men: it is not he psychotic, irrational and overnight “shove a baby up me, pull it out and show it to me TODAY RIGHT NOW, I LOVE YOU, DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT NOW…” effect that inspired me to do any research on this topic at all. What men say (and perhaps sometimes even believe) in order to get laid is not this phenomenon. I am going to have to disagree with the Mail on this one and posit that this is indeed a female phenomenon.

The best simple comparison I’ve found so far is: if you are a man who wants to understand a woman’s desire to spawn once the ‘switch has been flipped’, compare it to the male sex drive, you at your absolute horniest, trying to get laid when you have a massive salute on already. Yeah, you see? And the biological part is there too. Abstract but George W. Bush GUT graspable.

Women won’t understand that (of course, women do have the same sex drive as men, its not predominantly socially mediated at all, they’ll rub one out in public rest rooms at work if the mood takes them, 5-20 times a day on their day off, most have MASSIVE porn collections and would ruin their life for 10 minutes in a hotel: yep, they are exactly the same. Feminists please reply with your ‘amazing’ sex drive stories below. Yes, you personally are the only exception). [*Sarcasm, for American readers]

From a biological perspective it has been suggested it may even be the same drive, like the clit is the penis or seed vs egg, except men desire sex vastly more frequently than they desire babies; and women desire babies more frequently than they desire sex (Emotion, 2011). The sample was over a thousand for this study, various ages.

But that comparison both puts things in perspective and, again, terrifies. Because you can feel it. My gawd. Hide the pins and the condoms in separate draws, like guns and bullets.

But all is not lost: sniffing soiled nappies or prolonged exposure to unquellable baby screeching had the inverse effect on desire to spawn.

Is there a market for my nappy scented nasal spray and anxious avoidant screech mix yet: only time can tell what the market will do.

Interestingly, men have an increase in baby desire after having children, where as female baby fever drops DRAMATICALLY.

I’ll let you sit with that for a little while and form an hypothesis as to why that may be.

As a guy I see that and I’m sitting here thinking “Hey, perhaps having a baby isn’t that hard after all?”

4.0 The Biological clock (BC)

The BC is a real and well studied phenomenon that does a million billion things. How is that for a topic sentence?

The average age of menopause is 51 years in the west (Lohr, 2006, Endocrine), so there is a fact for you. Although this differs of course there can be a 5 year warning with a simple hormonal test for decreases in anti-Muellerian hormone (AMH) and inhibin-B if you are worried (Sowers, 2006, Endocrine). Plus some psychosocial factors, like smoking/stress; especially designed for women who want babies later in life.

Prof of neuroscience Robert Handa says the BC influences everything from mood, conception, ability to fight infection and pretty much make something else up and he’s with you (Alcohol & the BC, Clin + Exp. Res., 2005). You may (or not depending on who you are) have heard of the suprachiasmatic nucleus which clusters with the hypothalamus to form the UBER-CLOCK. Well, Prof Handa concerns himself with alcohol impacting the BC (circadian focus, but it is all important) and suggests ethanol can increase aging, possibly bring on early menopause and damage unborn baby clocks before they are babies: but this is a bit theoretical for me (and mostly ratty) at this stage.

Male fertility decreases markedly at 50, but I’m saying girly girlies should aim for ‘baby in belly’ by 40. Start thinking about if you want babies by 35.

That is what I woud do were I so inclined (ie a chick). But flipping out with strangers in your 20’s is not reasonable.

Still, that being said; also who cares. One path is as good as another. And a bad path is never good at any age: though that is all the more reason to give serious thought to childing up with people you don’t know.

(*Tip: less than 2-3 years you don’t know them from a block of cheese. You are almost definitely making up the best case scenario and it is almost certainly a bad idea).

Or its not. But less than 6-12 months can be all chemistry, which sounds romantic, but it isn’t and it fades. Histo-compatibility is grossly misrepresented.  The hardest thing about research is getting your head around the fact that a paper with a sample of a thousand people may just know better than you do on some matters.

It doesn’t matter if all your friends and everyone at work is pro gay rights for example: if you crunch some quick statistics on the last census data and see the % of people that identify as Christian and who say Gay couples are not real couples and gay people with children are not a family, votes like we saw in the house are also not a surprise to you any longer.

Be optimistic always, but never be dumb. It rarely pays. Or maybe it does, who knows. Someone has to win, may as well be you.

They should write that in Latin above the entrance to the casino.

The truth is many more couples are waiting longer to have kids (Fisch, Geriatrics, 2009) but it is not worrisome as medications improve, and the medications to improve the side effects of the other medications also improve.

[*shrugs* Not sure what sort of point that is, but it is a true one.]

5.0 Women in the Literature

5.1 Mummyness Means

THE CURRENT MEAN AGE FOR MUMMYNESS IS ~31.1 YEARS WITH ~25% OF FIRST BORNS AT AGE =>35 YEARS OLD (2005).

Pay attention to that ladies. A year is a long time. 5 years is a long time, just chill out. Especially if your a teen I mean jeebus.

The Yale lab says be on it by age 35 (2012), which is fair enough but even that isn’t the be all and end all.

I mean, you wouldn’t steal a DVD? You wouldn’t download an album? So don’t get baby happy like a loon without probable cause.

Ok, a tad forensic on the end there, but come on, really? No, seriously but, I mean really? Come on, you know like, errr, blurgh, you know? Yeah, you know. Seriously but.

5.2 Review for Girls who are Deciding What to Do

Upon a cursory review, the biological clock appears to be a psychological ‘awareness’ of egg counting that clicks on without biological prompting. The endocrinology journals have yet to be examined.

The current consensus is that girls are born with “just so many eggs”, but the consensus use to be we’re born with “just so many neurons” too and that was a lie and eggs are pretty create-y, so make of that what you will.

The mean age girly girls seek IVF is 35, at 40+ you are twice as likely to miscarry, twice that again if you’re both 40+ and congenital abnormalities go up a very miniscule mean of 4% if the male is over 40 (Pregers + Mummyness, Sex, rep + Men, 2006) [can I summarise an article or what?].

5.3 Tick Tock I’ve lost my Mind

Beginning in the late 20’s, a unique biological phenomenon is observed in women centered around decreasing fertility (Easton et al, 2010, J Personality and Individual Differences). This terminates in menopause and from a sample of ~800, Easton posited a hypothesis of an adaptation to capitalise on remaining eggs that does indeed ‘switch on’ in women.

Like syphilis, it can be accompanied by what, prima facie, appears to be an increased sexual desire; but again, like syphilis, is really a motivated desire to spawn rather than the pleasure seeking spawn by-product dominant motivation observed in males. None the less; when compared to other females, those in fertility decline do tend to think about sex more frequently and engage in more intense sexual fantasies.

Between the early 20’s and 40 years old, the ability to conceive drops by only 50% (Dunson et al, 2002, Obstetrics and Gyno); with a rapid decline past age 35. This explains a lot.

Easton puts baby (sex) fever between ages 28-45 years: wait to narrow it down. What a troll.

I’m going to go 28-36, for full swing baby crazy, based on a more liberal review. Still, it all explains a lot as far as I am concerned.

Regardless of how sane your woman was or how long you have been together; it can be expected that they will seek other partners during this time if need be.

This is especially if you aren’t ‘giving it’ to them (ie babies) but also for gene variability (Thornhill and Gangustad, 2008, Ev. Bio. of Human Fem.) or my personal favourite: partner upgrading for better status and resources (Greiling and Buss, 2000, Woman Sexual Strategies J P + indiv. Dif.).

I’ve heard women talk of breast feeding being more fulfilling than any man: men being replaced and forgotten (that high octane Oxytocin is some hardcore shiznizzle. Turn out the lights and call the cops (Letterman, ac 2012). But then women will never experience true sex drive so meh. I’ll get the nasal spray.) [*Feminists: Complaints at end please].

Sexual desire peaks in early 30’s, with these women also having more orgasms more easily than their teenage counterparts (Barr et al, 2002, Per.Rels.).

Women 26-36 are far more likely to put out: however at no point is their desire for sex anywhere near that of men, ever (Schmitt, 2002, Can. J. Hu. Sex.).

Also, although non-committed and likelihood of more ‘adventurous’ sex increases in 30’s (Soc. and Dem. Res.Ctre, 2010):  at no point does the likelihood of having sex on the first evening of meeting someone increase greatly from the standard spectrum of opportunity.

This illustrates just another one of the many many many reasons in support of a gay/bisexual lifestyle.

Conclusions and Hot Tips:

  • Women in their early 30’s are the most fertile, horny and easiest to make orgasm.
  • Boys are horny all the time forever; especially on presentation of novel stimuli (ie if in a long term relationship, the sex drive doesn’t just decrease to the point of vanishing: it decreases to near vanishing with YOU. It is just how we are wired. Hey; hate the game).
  • Boys are much much harder to get pregnant.
  • Baby fever is REAL. It can make sane women nuts seemingly overnight and no deals they make in that state, especially regarding the rearing of the children, will be kept.

*Special note:  Try getting them to sniff a dirty diaper every night for 3 months while listening to a looped recording of screaming babies that can’t be silenced. If she still wants babies after this; then maybe it is time after all. This is scientifically validated, taken from a large sample study.

For now, this is all we have to work with. Gawd save us all and, if he has room, the Queen and her reptilian contemporaries as well.

JRR

First Published Journey Chronicle in Letters and Science 19-10-12

J. Ross-Raphael [4th Edition]

About J.Chron.Ltt.&Sci. [JRR]

~CogSc (Humour); NeuroPsych; Philosophy (Death/Identity); Methods (Research); Intelligence/Investigation (Forensic); Medical Error~
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