The Doctors

1 deadtree

[Cafe Consulting Scene – Actual Transcript]

14:48 [OPEN]

1: Doctor.

2: You’re early doctor, as usual. Come in.

1: You know you are the only person who would say that?

2: What? Doctor? Or come in?

1: As a humour specialist, I’m afraid I can’t pay that. I’m not known for my punctuality.

2: Well, you have to go “somewhere” to arrive at anytime: that is kind of how it works.

1: Are you suggesting the internet isn’t a place?

2: I’m suggesting maybe you should consider seeing a psychologist about your avoidance.

1: What field are we trained in again?

2: Have you done anything that wasn’t scheduled with a level of obligation since we last met?

1: I’ll have you know I was club side drinking just the other night.

2: Investigation or association?

1: Neither. I met out, for drinks, intentionally. “Friend” I think they are called. Or at least that is what it sounded like, something “Ffff”…”eeehhhnn”. It’s gone. It is different to Facebook though. But someone is still going to get sued. If it wasn’t “Friend”, it was a word which sounded just like it. But the experience compared to Facebook…it is difficult to explain –

2: You’d have to have been there?

1: You know that is exactly it.

2: For your birthday you mean. You went out for your birthday after all, oh great Zen master?

1: No, I went out, & it also happened to be my birthday – that is hardly the same thing.

2: & you have a new phone & a new instrument, by happenstance?

1: My mother got me the instrument –

2: For your birthday!

1: In her head, perhaps.

2: & where, & with whom, did you go drinking?


2: I see. So you are trying to change this boy’s sexuality then?

1: There is only one sexuality.

2: Girls don’t exist?

1: Gender isn’t sexuality doctor, but leaving that aside, there is still only one sexuality; there are merely slight variations in expression based around drive & past experience up to that point.

2: OK doctor, suppose you are right: If that is so, you could have gone anywhere; why take him to the only gay bar in the city?

1: Actually HE took ME to the only gay bar in the city. & it wasn’t his first time…

2: […]

1: Has that ruined your flow? You’re not catatonic are you doctor, I can come back…or would you like something from the draws?

2: Do you think he is gay & struggling with his sexuality then?

1: Well, if we are in the same conversation, I’m pretty certain you already know I very much think that definitely is not what is going on.

2: Bisexual then?

1: Just keep throwing up labels until you are comfortable.

2: No I’m asking you, what is his profile –

1: You’re fishing to see if there is a profile.

2: Don’t be difficult.

1: So you’re asking me if I believe he is confused enough to think there is a two camp choice with associated behaviour sets & he has to choose to take them all on, or none of them on, or both of them on? That doesn’t sound like medical nullifying all inclusive mumbo jumbo to you?

2: Fine. That doesn’t change the fact this is how the majority of people discuss these matters.

1: What people? So the choice is, no matter what he chooses, the disposition has to be categorical, stable & hard wired? You realise people come to you for advice hey? Let me ask you; Could a straight identifying cis congruent male spectrum individual have anal sex with a female in your system?

2: Well, they would be a trisexual variant “not otherwise specified”, with latent homoerotic fantasies.

1: Oh of course. Couldn’t be intelligent enough to see through social fictions, “oops, wrong hole”, or … just bored?

2: There is no billing code for being bored doctor, you know that.

1: Perseveration on task, reduced affective response to things previously found to be enjoyably, withdrawn from socio-personal engagements, rumination on task. You couldn’t make something out of that? Maybe you should hang up your coat.

2: Not everyone thinks like you-

1: Yet.

2: So, he is not gay?

1: It is sad to see what all these long hours do to you, do you know that? No time to think about thinking. Do you see the pattern you’ve followed there? So I have a choice of three categories now do I, doctor? This is exactly what happens on the DSM committees.

2: Are you still doing pre-pediatrics?

1: Nah, I’m back on death patrol in the clinic or at home. Pretreatment is done. Made at this point, government funded globally. How they got the government on board I have no Idea. Drug companies wanting the research to look pure, I imagine.

2: Hmmm.

1: They do not understand these drugs – how dangerous they are. & the non research clinicians that the prescribing responsibilities will eventually fall to: give me break.

2: So there is nothing to early intervention?

1: Early intervention is fine – not life long pharmacological from a single break: or from NO break. Absolutely not. treating what? What is the theory? It is an intentional overshoot. But the case for pretreatment antipsychotics in creative, eccentric kids whose personalities display mild schozotypal traiting, while they are still developing pay no mind, is a foregone conclusion. By the third revision there will be a category. Maybe even 5.1.

2: Well yes, I hear all that, but if it works doctor?

1: How would you know if it didn’t? Thank God the NIMH won’t have a bar of it.

2: So there will be no doctor [REDACTED] opening specialist pretreatment clinics then? With government backing & at a specialist price?

1: I didn’t say that. [LAUGHS] But I’m not hoop jumping back through hoops I’ve jumped through. I have an existential treatment platform I’m working on. Established online delivery method.

2: […]

1: Maybe even mix the Tarot in as supportive therapy.

2: What about your… um…but you won’t have a… thingy…a code.

1: Yeah, I know. So I lose the ability to bulk bill, so what? I’m thinking internationally. They wouldn’t have access anyhow.

2: Have you looked interstate?

1: [REDACTED] is national, or will be under one umbrella completely by 2015. Besides, Tarot is probably covered on some insurance plans these days. “Integrative medical holism”, or what have you. & I’m on the clinical Tarot registry board, didn’t you know?

2: I would have assumed.

1: Most would.

2: If you apply to transfer, who will be [REDACTED] & what about philosophy? & research? I thought you enjoyed that part of where you were –

1: That stuff is always around, in the background. But come now doctor; It is hardly the money maker that will please my over bearing oil Baron parents, now is it?

2: The Chinese market is maybe superstitious enough to fall for that. What is that expression: there are a billion born every minute?

1: God willing.

2: You’re presenting at this July neuroscience conference thing at [REDACTED] I hear?

1: No, I’m setting up chairs at a comic book conference. But I may be setting up chairs at a neuroscience conference as well.

2: Things are really on hard times then; I had no idea. Can’t afford your dues? Washing dishes & setting up chairs just to maintain CPD points, really doctor? Tut tut. Seriously though, you should really see [REDACTED] investment fellow, I’ll tell him to expect a call. Me & [REDACTED] & [REDACTED] are all using him now.

1: Sounds like a coup.

2: Why don’t you just pay your dues like a normal person?

1: What have they done for me lately.

2: Not everything has a loophole you know.

1: Don’t ever compare me to normal people again.

2: Fine. Honestly though, will I see you there?

1: It is existential ethnography. I’m doing a piece on the nature of the empty chair across contexts.

2: I can never tell when you’re lying. If that were true, it wouldn’t surprise me. Nothing you do could surprise me at this point.

1: I’ll take that wager.

2: Is it research?

1: Well I was lying – now I’m not so sure. I quite like being the empty chair in this moment. It probably will be a piece now.

2: So you are going the e-medicine route?

1: Keep my premiums down; they can’t sue me across continents.

2: You’ll end up at the Hague within the year.

1: Oh come on. Apart from suicide, what can possibly go wrong? & even then, I’m the therapist – & they were looking shaky, we had a suicide contract. These things happen.

2: Just try & keep your patient suicide rate below the national average.

1: Homicide would be potentially bad too, I suppose.

2: Hague. One year. Tops.

1: Well, that’s if I make clinical claims too. I’m yet to see a “supportive therapeutic Tarot clinical life couch” up on any international charges.

2: Sometimes I don’t know if you are a genius, resourceful guru or just a devious & deluded con man.

1: Nobody does doctor, & neither do I. But I could say the same about you. Provider number being current is actually the first red flag…

2: I’ll have to cut it short today. Some of us still have have patients to get to, you know, to pay the bills? Not all our parents can be oil Barons after all.

1: My gosh, yes, how I do forget about the little people. I know a lot of psychiatrists who are struggling, now that you mention it. & yet these doll bludges get all the attention? That’s the Labor Party for you.

2: It is criminal.

1: Something has to be. Can’t have the contractors going out of business too.

2: God forbid.

1: Good thing we’ve got a new holy man at the helm who is going to set it all straight…

2: I don’t have time for one of your famous monologues doctor, I’m afraid. I’m sorry, but I really do have to go.

1: Fix the economy, finally, by making people too scared to hire or spend; that will stop debt. Should stop just about everything. What is higher than a AAA rating? Stop the armada of boats –

2: Do you need me to sign something, or are you just going to fail this semester? You might enjoy it – then you can complain about not learning anything, them taking your money, & having to do them all again with a failed GPA.

1: Need? Well, it does look funny when I do it. Too neat. Legible. Like I finished grade school or something.

2: Don’t sign my signature.

1: You’ve convinced me. If you’d be so kind?

2: Do you intend to graduate at some point?

1: Again? I’m not sure I have the time. How many times do they let you?

2: How many wings are your parents adding to the school when the caps are lifted in 2016?

1: I think I’ve graduated more than that. I’ll check my calendar, see if I can pencil it in. For serious this time.

2: Alright, enough. You’ll make me late.

1: No one can “make” you late doctor. Self efficacy issues? Illusions of external control? ‘Cause I recently heard of this great alternative e-medicine clinic. It is all above board, or the law hasn’t caught up yet, I swear: what star sign are you?

2: Shouldn’t they be able to tell me?

1: Touche.

2: Till next time. Doctor.

1: Doctor.


END A02/A01-3/ ftprnt/ [TRANSCRIPT]


JJR/DCP. (2014) “Doctors”, Chronicle of Letters & Science, 17 (6). Ed04: [TRANSCRIPT]

FPub, C&C, Ed1. Footprint.

About J.Chron.Ltt.&Sci. [JCR]

~CogSc (Humor); NeuroPsych; Philosophy (Death/Identity); Methods (Research); Intelligence/Investigation (Forensic); Medical Error~
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