[*Taken from draft concepts, that became the first book in the “Death Impending” series]
~ 1.0 Death and Destiny ~
“Tasks not engaged by 44th, in stone remain, from there, henceforth”
IF THE FAMILY issues, that inevitably arise between parent and offspring, are not mended by the 44th year of the first born child; then they very likely never will be.
No, that is not a variant of the curse Maleficent puts on Snow-white. It is statistical mathematics.
At age 44, whether it is known or not, the loss of a parent is imminent. There is a base range, of course: between age 44y-58y. This means, on average, by age 51 years the majority of people will have lost at least one parent.
Now, I have written on many topics, from a similar place of analysis (ie anchored in death awareness and numbers). Many more glibly: “Teen Scuicide is for Geriatrics”; “Is True Love Too Late”; “Constructing Intimacy With The Time You Have Left”; “Most Severe Spider Bites Are Huntsman”; And “Is It Too Late To Learn That Skill You’ve Always Been Meaning to Learn?”.
However, this piece is different.
It is different in that the topic itself is far more existentially weighted. And in that the data it calls upon is more universally applicable, as it is more reliably recorded. You see, we keep an eye on death. We pretend we don’t, but we do. Seamlessly woven into society. This makes the calculations for this piece accurate and relevant, for all comers.
For this reason, it will serve as a non cliche driver, to motivate both making new connections, and burring old hatchets,
in with family.
~ 2.0 The 44th Foreshadowing Forgiveness Rule & Brief Methods ~
Offered here is a genuine, if coldly analytical, reason to expedite forgiveness in these highly divided times.
Whether, up to this point, actions have been put off for the best of “reasons” – time, distance, medical, political, or emotional: stop it!
If this is your 44th year (or the year your first born child/sibling turns 44); the final time to reconnect with family is upon you.
Now I will go on to explain why this is important, and why you may not know.
~ 2.1 METHODS ~
I have taken very few statistical liberties in this piece. So first, mixing data sets has to be confessed to. Also, we are beholden to how data has already been treated (source sets are linked below). We are dealing with averages, calculated from the already transformed data, collected by various developed nation governments.
The key items to keep in mind here are four (4):
1) Age of parents when they had their first child;
2) Variations on this age in the generations/locations spanning 1900-2017;
3) Age of death;
4) Age of death variations in the generations/locations spanning 1900-2017.
It must be noted that median ages were used for all years. Then means were taken. It best also be noted that women consistently live longer than men, yet both genders are ultimately expressed in the single age. All ages were rounded.
Finally, slight adjustments may be worth considering for living cohorts (eg life expectancy for a male may be ~80 years at birth, but a male turning ~81 this year could be expected to live another decade, closer to ~90 years – provided access to health care is available (see tables 1 and 2).
~ 2.2 The 44th Forgiveness Protocol ~
So, the crux of it all is, if you are in a family where the first born is 44yrs old, and you were ever thinking about trying to find a parent, or reconciling with a child, or anything similar: you are in the final stages.
That is not to say it won’t already be too late; of course in some cases it is. I am not recommending you contact the dead* (*up to you). But do consider, any contemporaries of the target will likely live for a similar lifespan. And consider records. Even without the person directly, the ability to construct a profile of them also begins to fade exponentially in the shadow of the 44th.
Nor is it to say that in all cases it is even worth doing, locating and reconnecting: surely in certain cases it absolutely is not. But it best be noted such cases are EXCEPTIONALLY rare. Petty grievances, too, are best released once one arrives in sector 44.
And consider: there are memories that have not yet ever been accessed with an adult’s mind. Memories, connected to feels, that almost certainly do not belong paired together. Feelings recorded by a child, trying to interpret a grown-up world. If left un-accessed, this is how they will remain. And you may not be aware of the psychic harm that is causing. That kind of thing is true, far more often than it is not, from what I have seen.
Then again, maybe it all never matters. Under any circumstances. Who knows.
But the point is – you could know, and you may be surprised. And that, in fact, it is very likely this is the case.
Due to the stages of death awareness (see ‘five deaths‘), this is almost certainly not a decision that you will realize you are not making clearly at this time*. But…you may not be making this decision clearly at this time (*more on this later). So take it slow. It will be some work. It will take some time. Even if you know EXACTLY where your loved ones are, and how to contact them, this is so.
Besides: at an absolute minimum, there are medical reasons to take on such a project.
In any case; would you not prefer to have full access to your past, as much as possible, in order to make that decision for yourself? To at least have tried?
If you engage now, you can always withdraw at any time. Where as if you do not, the opportunity will be taken from your hands. Tick, tick, tick and that. It will never be the right time. So the right time is always now.
~ 3.0 Psychology & Medical [UNDER REVIEW] ~
I”ll cut this section short. Mostly because (and this may shock you…), this is not at all what I am suppose to be working on right now. In the slightest.
Generally, it comes down to genetics for illness, behavioral genetics and your own fractured psyche. One does not overly have to spell out how contact with family lineage assists in these matters.
Genetic markers for illness, and behavioural genetics (and what is coming down the line for gene editing) are all topics too large, and generally misunderstood, to cover here. Beyond saying “you do not know what may be helpful later”, I will leave that topic at this point. For now**. (**I’ll link some review papers below).
What I will touch on, however, is that you may not be aware of your psychic scars. And I can not make you aware of them – only the possibility of them. To suffice it to say, staying actively aware of the limitations on the access to your own past is critical. Because, there will come a time, when you will want to know more about yourself, by knowing more about those who immediately came before. Trust in that.
And if they have already passed, or are lost to the world; then their contemporaries are dying on a similar time scale. Their band members. Their military platoon. Their first loves, school friends, college buddies, the people they experimented with – and people they cheated with (if those are different people) – are all running on a similar clock. All living in the 44th death-scape of the eldest child in your family.
And, again, that is not to say all people could, or should, be found. It is not to say ancestry particularly matters. I am just saying that there are arguments. And if (and only if) you have the information, can you then decide later what it means to you. Protect the ability to decide for yourself.
~ 3.1 And Just Who Are You? ~
Parents. Grandparents. The grandparents’ parents, and grand/great aunts/uncles: it is not controversial to say the psychology of those lives is part of who you are. And medically? So much skips a generation. Or two. Plus genetic recombination. Your 3rd/2nd cousin or 4th/3rd cousin may have part of the “Swiss cheese” genetic answer to certain behaviors that is not visible in your closer relatives.
People are easily confused by genetics. Largely due to them abusing means, and mis-describing “genes”. It is not what you think. Unless your field is methods or genetics, in which case you likely do have a handle on it. But even then, probably haven’t found cause to think about it much.
Perhaps by about the “great, great, great” distance of common ancestor, we are dealing with a “great, great, great” dilution of influence. But it is surely no “butterfly effect” level leap of faith to show that those in your line, within living memory, impacted who you are.
Even if a parent decided to leave the day you were born (or sooner), this is the case. As it is highly probable how your grand parents treated them, was a great influence that will have informed any such choice of exodus. And informed their selection of a mate, that lead to your conception. this also means memetically in-law cousins are not without personal consequence either. just remember, when considering this, that it applies as equally to the good in your family branches as it does the…less socially salvageable.
And finally, it is important to note that sometimes a parent removing themselves from a situation is the kindest thing they could have done, at the time. There are certainly worse crimes. And they all involve someone who stayed.
And the chance to help other people. Connecting with family is a link back to your community. It may seem a strange take – surely you want to find that lost wealthy relative, right? Well, no. First of all that is rarely the case. You are either in those circles, or you’re not (and you likely already know in those cases. As will everyone of the thousand cousins around your parallel branches to the common ancestor). So, that is out. But the chance to serve, share and help others; it is worth more than it appears at first glance. You’ll see as you go.
If the first born of the brood is in their 44th year, as a parent or child, this is your last chance to reach out. Things always take longer than you think.
That is to say, and to hammer the point home; remember – by the 51st year, it is probably already too late.
~ 4.0 INVESTIGATION TECHNIQUES ~
I have covered how to run a lay investigation, the available tools, and locating persons who do not wish to be found in some detail elsewhere. Though it is beyond the scope of this piece. But it is worth the effort. Even if the person found is judged unworthy; it is still of a greater benefit to be in a position to make that decision.
For finding someone, there are a few core techniques that I will touch on here. Firstly, of course, always begin with what is familiar to you. Start with going through the socials. Look at “Linkedin” (it’s kind of a type of grown up “Facebook“, but with less pictures, nothing interesting: but in some cases it is the only profile. There will also be company profiles). Also, to check name variations on all of the standard socials goes without saying. On those, follow family lines. Then associates. A little more on that later. There are hurdles to overcome at each step, that will be different for each individual.
Due to the tradition of the females taking on male-line names; women can be harder to track. Especially if going up 3 steps, across, then back down a line – or anything similar. For this reason, you have to talk to the family you do know of. Take scans of photos. Look on the back of photos, and image them. Particularly wedding photos. And record all conversations with family for later review. Make a list of locations of events, the timeline and dates, and associated family maiden and married names. If told in stories, rate how credible you think each piece of information is from your first impression. It all helps later. Where lines meet in marriage may also become extremely important: as there is always one aunt, on one of the branches, in every family that will have mapped the family tree. You may need to find them. You may not know they exist. Sites like Ancestry are of little use if you do not have base information or profiles of what profession person “x” was in when they married “y”.
Men are a little bit easier to track because of the military. the military keep records. They are still a government department, so they are not always complete records. But if you live in western country, there are a lot of databases – formal and veteran run – that will provide a wealth of information, should you be able to find the correct files. There have been a lot of wars since 1900. A lot of them were not always voluntary either. Though some did travel to different states, and lie about birthdays (and names), in order to join up in more than a few cases. Still, the veteran run pages can assist with these corrections. Certainly for the USA, United Kingdom and Australia I am reasonably familiar with the available resources.
Medical records are a little bit trickier, especially if you acted “in time” (ie they person you are seeking is still living). If they have passed, where records exist, it is predominantly up to the site manager to grant access. If it is a public run institution (police/ambulance/hospital) there are FOIA-RTI avenues. Private: you can move to have commissioner/coroner/medical examiner/inspector general investigations held – then FOIA-RTI those, now government, documents. Or sue individual physicians. Or just ask. Hopefully you are reading this before it has come to any of that.
There are other avenues, with different software, that are beyond the scope of this piece. Collecting old cell phones. Proper image searches. Professional assistance. However, the point is, if you are serious: you can find someone.
~ Concluding Remarks ~
To suffice it to say, you do not know what you think you know on this subject.
To not reach out to comfort, contact and connect with the living, in a genuine manner, on this subject – as best as one can and as soon as one can – is an error that can not be easily corrected.
You do not know what will mean more to you, until the time you are inspired to consider it. Unfortunately, this appears to be some kind of fact. To act early has to be compelled. There are a lot of things in life that are strange in this manner. Daily meditation. Eating healthy. Going to the gym. Well, this is another one.
To simply, offhandedly, say “act now, because you never know…” – correct as the sentiment may be – is too marred by cliche. And further blocked by the current abstract location, of a given agent, on the spectrum of the above referenced stages/sub-stages of death awareness. And engendering foresight beyond the current location, for self or other, has proven cantankerous.
Listen to me: it will never be time. And it will always be some effort. And there will always be other things you have to do. Always. Just start. Today. Now. Well, reading this is the start. It is about actively choosing effort now, for likely expected reward later. And on the journey. However, you can trust that there will ne reward. Another truism is everyone has the same favorite subject. Themselves. This journey is all about that topic. And another key, in dealing with finding relatives, is to show how this journey is all about them. Describe things from their best potential place on the tree. Describe how the parent will have their consciousness clear (though, death impending humbles the most savage. Opening with that is often enough to get things started. Even if not immediately).
It is effort, don’t kid yourself. And everything takes longer than you think.
Even if you already have their numbers, and drive passed their house on the way to work every day: reconciliation and/or reconnecting (or connecting in a new way, for the first time) IS effort. And the benefits not always clear.
That is why you put it off until now. And I understand that.
However, to take advantage of the 44th rule is a sound, and evidence based, decision. Let it be the final inspiration to reconcile and locate – ideally, still with some time for a little “unseen” (but likely required) give and take.
You don’t have to. But later, you won’t get to. Ever. Up to you.
Just remember, when making your decision: by the time the first born child has reached their 44th year, death is already impending.
JRC is the Thanatology, Research Science and Psychiatry Investigator for the ChronicleLS. [Ed4-A7-C-0171130-DeathImp]